A few weeks back, Jimmy Kimmel announced on "The Ellen Degeneres Show" that he and his wife are having a baby. And while he joked about going all Kardashian and naming the kid either Karate or The Riddler, it was his choice for a middle name that I found hilariously inspiring.
With a straight face, Kimmel told Ellen that he wants his baby's middle name to be Effin, thinking it will give the kid street cred:
“Now imagine if your middle name [were Effin] and not the curse version of it. Like E-F-F-I-N. 'Ellen Effin Degeneres' ... It immediately gives you self-esteem."
But in a world where kids are constantly told how wonderful they are for doing expected things like pooping in a potty, where we give them trophies just for participating, I say, screw their self-esteem. Effin is a great middle name for any parent who wants to teach their kid self-discipline.
Just imagine that your little moppet has snuck a sleeve of Oreos after you already told him no treats before dinner.
How great would it be to yell, "JAKE EFFIN RILEY, GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"
Or maybe your young lass has stayed out past curfew:
"SUE EFFIN JONES, YOU ARE PUNISHED FOR THE REST OF YOUR EFFIN LIFE!!
Effin is quite possibly the best middle name of all time for letting your kid know you mean business. Try it right now with your own child's name. Feels pretty good, right?
It almost makes a Mom want to have another child just to put Effin down on the birth certificate. But lucky for me, it's not too late. None of my three kids even has a middle name. Their Dad and I had a hard enough time just agreeing on first names. We had to settle what we'd call our youngest son with a coin toss in the hospital corridor. And that was two days after his birth, when we'd already announced a completely different name to the world. When he looks back at his very first birthday cards, he's going to be confused.
Back then, it seemed cool that my kids only have a first and last name. "Who even uses their middle name anyway?" I thought.
I didn't realize I was denying my husband and I the opportunity to scream at them with proper authority. And little did I know that this would be the one thing they'd want, and resent us for. My daughter actually decided on her own that her middle name would be Alicia. But it has yet to make it onto her birth certificate, so maybe Effin is the way to go?
Though, why stop there? How about using a curse word as a first name? I read online about this girl in Michigan whose name was pronounced "Sha-theed." Can you guess the spelling? S-H-I-T-H-E-A-D.
I also heard of a student who was registered at school as "Sh*thead. When the principal questioned her mother about it, she told him the girl was named after her father.
Reminds me of that old Bill Cosby sketch where he recounts how, as a kid, he thought his name was Dammit. That's because his folks yelled it at him and his brother so much (along with Jesus Christ).
To throw people off the scent, like Effin, would I spell it Dammett? Or maybe Damnette, which sounds positively French.
Either way, I love the endless possibilities for getting my parenting point across:
"DAMMET, WHO DID THIS?"
"I TOLD YOU NO, GOD, DAMNETTE!"
Shuttup is another good first name. Just imagine screaming that three times at the supermarket checkout when your child throws a raging tantrum. SHUTTUP! SHUTTUP! SHUTTUP! If the store manager threatens to call DYFS, all you have to do is whip out Shuttup's birth certificate. Mom of the year? I'd certainly vote for you.
Maybe this will be the next celebrity trend. Instead of naming kids after compass coordinates like Kim & Kanye's baby North West, or using colors like Jay-Z's daughter Blue Ivy Carter and my personal fave, Rainbow Aurora (born to Playgirl next-door Holly Madison), perhaps stars will follow in Jimmy Kimmel's footsteps and choose swear word baby names in an attempt to appear edgy.
Though, if Kimmel really wants to boost his kid's self-esteem, then why doesn't he really go for it? Jimmy, how about christening your baby Awesome, or Honor Student, or why the hell not Doctor? Imagine being called Doctor Kimmel since the day you were born. That would have to significantly increase a child's odds of not becoming a janitor. Can names like President, God or Billionaire be far behind?
Growing up with a name like that, you're bound to believe that anything is Effin possible.