9.02.2016

What Moms Want More Than Sex



"Hot sex is good. Hot coffee is even better."

I used to lust over hard pecs and slow kisses. Three kids and two thousand sleepless nights later, here are a few of the things I’ve found myself fantasizing about: 

1.  Scotch tape

Just one roll that is mine all mine, that is always in the exact place I left it, instead of under a kid’s bed or inexplicably, buried halfway down the Lego bin. And if am actually able to find the edge where the tape begins, I might just orgasm on the spot.


2.  A hot cup of coffee


I want it to be hot from the minute I start drinking ‘til I finish it, without having to reheat it every ten
minutes while I make lunches, find lost shoes and drive kids who missed the bus to school again.

Hot sex is good. Hot caffeine is even better.


Within an hour after they’ve been used. (Hell, within 24 hours would be nice.)

4.  Heels that are more comfortable than my Uggs

While I am fantasizing, why can’t high heels be banned? If fashionistas were forced to wear flats, it 
would level the playing field for the rest of us. And we’d all be so much less bitchy.

5.  A robot that dusts

We’re planning manned missions to Mars. This one should be a no-brainer, NASA.

6.  Time to let my toenails dry

I know I’m really reaching here, but just once I wish I could sit still for a half hour after painting my toes without having to polish them on the side of a soccer field. If I do squeeze in a trip to the salon, I’m always rushing off to pick up a kid and smudging my pinkie toe on the gas pedal. Polishing them at home is just as futile: it’s bullshit how many times the kids will scream “Mom!” in the time it takes toes to dry.

7.  An ice maker that doesn’t expel cubes like The Exorcist

If I wanted water dripping across my kitchen floor, I would mop it. Mommy just wants a nice vodka on the rocks. NOW before my head spins!

8.  A compliment

Once in a while, I’d love a “You look pretty,” “Great dinner,” or even some acknowledgement that I actually exist. I’d probably shag a stranger if he asked me how my day was. Seriously, you could have me at hello.

9.  A faster mile

I used to run a 5k at a 7:59 pace. Now I’m lucky if my creaky joints can eke out an 11 minute mile. I‘m pretty sure they call that walking.

10.  A tantric footrub

Married sex is often over in minutes. I’d love some longer-lasting pleasure, preferably on my little piggies. Honey, want to know where my g-spot is? Hint: it’s under my big toe. More perks of the footrub? We can do it right in the living room. And I can scream as loud as I want without the kids calling 911.

Plus, if I’m still awake in an hour, I’ll be totally in the mood for sex.

But first, dear husband, how about a hot cup of coffee?

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