I used to lust over hard pecs and slow kisses. Three kids
and two thousand sleepless nights later, here are a few of the things I’ve
found myself fantasizing about:
1. Scotch tape
Just one roll that is mine all
mine, that is always in the exact place I left it, instead of under a kid’s bed
or inexplicably, buried halfway down the Lego bin. And if am actually able to
find the edge where the tape begins, I might just orgasm on the spot.
2. A hot cup of coffee
I want it to be hot from the minute I start drinking ‘til I finish it, without having to reheat it every ten
minutes while I make lunches, find lost shoes and drive kids who missed the bus to school again.
Within an hour after they’ve been used. (Hell, within 24 hours would be nice.)
that are more comfortable than my Uggs
While I am fantasizing, why can’t high heels be banned? If fashionistas were forced to wear flats, it
would level the playing field for the rest of us. And we’d all be so much less bitchy.
5. A robot that dusts
We’re planning manned missions to
Mars. This one should be a no-brainer, NASA.
6. Time to let my toenails dry
I know I’m really reaching here,
but just once I wish I could sit still for a half hour after painting my toes
without having to polish them on the side of a soccer field. If I do squeeze in
a trip to the salon, I’m always rushing off to pick up a kid and smudging my
pinkie toe on the gas pedal. Polishing them at home is just as futile: it’s
bullshit how many times the kids will scream“Mom!” in the time it takes toes to dry.
7. An ice maker that doesn’t expel cubes
like The Exorcist
If I wanted water dripping across
my kitchen floor, I would mop it. Mommy just wants a nice vodka on the rocks. NOW before my head spins!
Married sex is often over in
minutes. I’d love some longer-lasting pleasure, preferably on my little
piggies. Honey, want to know where my g-spot is? Hint: it’s under my big toe. More
perks of the footrub? We can do it right in the living room. And I can scream
as loud as I want without the kids calling 911.
Plus, if I’m still awake in an
hour, I’ll be totally in the mood for sex.
But first, dear husband, how about a hot cup of coffee?
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